Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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