My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
