In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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