shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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