I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
