My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
