i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
