that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
