I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
