I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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