Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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