apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
