im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
