I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
