The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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