Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
