dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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