my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
