i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
