i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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