My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
