What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
there is puke in my bra ... again
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