You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
