Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Randomize
