my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
