ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
