I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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