I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
