I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
