i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
