Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
