Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
