I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
