I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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