she woke up with a sticky ear
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
