all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
