Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
