i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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