my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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