"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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