But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
