someone threw a dead crab at me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
