sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
