I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
