I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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