true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
