Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
