I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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