I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
