i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
